Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“you recording!?”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
There are no pants in heaven.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve