guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.