If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
welcome back
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins