Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.