sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
can you read it!!??
maan!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.