I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
You Might Also Like
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich