*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
This meeting could have been a cake
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises