Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You Might Also Like
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
🙅🏻
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Why are bridges so flammable.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now