I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass