I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies