My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I bet birds love this building.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
umm…
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
is this a warning or an offer?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.