Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My boss called in sick of me
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When libraries troll their patrons.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.