ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you know, you know
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.