Love thy neighbor’s dog
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Watson was Holmes schooled