A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no