I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.