CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.