Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Seems a bit forward
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.