Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions