Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.