I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I drew y’all a little something.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.