And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser