“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.