Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy