I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.