Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.