Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket