I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes