If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.