Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Finally, an explanation.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed