Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Autocorrect completely socks
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
seems fine
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”