[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?