Buying a well is money well spent.
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.