Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer