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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.