Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK