Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*weighs self after shaving
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.