Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.