my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
the world’s most popular steaming services
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me, in DM rooms…
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved