Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.