There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
🤣😂