*mops up wine with cat*
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.