Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Personal question. #JustSaying
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: