Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Feels
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.