I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
screw you
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose