30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ