DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*