The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
this could fix me
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?