“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.