I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.